Strawberry fields forever

No such thing as perfection July 22, 2011

Its a weird summer this year. I have these moods traversing a sinusoid, pitiless troughs followed by seemingly sunny crests when you tell yourself there is a lot awaiting you at the end of the tunnel, that despite the palling sense of doom that this journey sometimes feels like, there is a lot to look forward to, good and interesting things, the kind of life you imagined you were meant to live, but then that doesn’t linger. Everything around you seems like a pastiche, you are crippled with helplessness, you give in, time and tide it seems must sort things out on their own, only..you can feel that this might tear you apart. I’m not going home this summer. Thankfully I did get to see my folks, although since then I have realized that India means more to me than just seeing them. And its hard to explain that if you are not living a 36 hour flight away from home. Only that ever since I moved here, I don’t remember a single year bereft of the anticipation, the eagerness, counting months, days, hours till that one date, for me always in the summer, when I could fly back. I think its partly that that makes this summer slightly empty, in a way at least. I turned 29 a week ago. Meant to write a commemorative blog post, draw on the years of wisdom if you will, or the lack of it, maybe enlist twenty nine unforgettable moments/occurrences. Then sorta gave up on that, momentarily though, its still somewhere at the back of my head. Anyways was thinking about stuff, how I’m a bundle of nerves when it comes to my research at times, how rigorous it ends up being most of the times, and how despite all of that I’ve grown to love it more than anything else, ever. It governs my moods more than most other things, and I’ve wondered that whether am suited to the life of a scientist if it so does. I think growing up I had always envisioned things differently, I pictured myself growing up to a life where the waters would be less choppy, that by thirty I would’ve found tranquility, that everything I wanted would’ve more or less been well somehow within grasp, settled? Guess that’s what the world calls it, settled.  Doesn’t help that I’m quite a narcissist, I think about me way too much, also am somewhat a perfectionist, put all of that together with an idealist boss as I have, and you have quite a recipe. I crib a lot, but am also very thankful for it. For a life that for the past four years has been in every sense punishing but somehow extremely rewarding as well. When I was younger, in college and all I often toyed with the idea of going for an MBA, quitting science and hopefully enjoying lump-some earnings, I was always into academics, had good grades, did very well in school, college and thereafter, but was never sure whether research could be my calling. And so am grateful in a way that when I eventually did take it up, despite that it was never the easier option, despite the lonely hankerings of living so far away, despite the heart-break of things mostly not panning out the way they were planned, inevitable and inseparable from research, despite the foreboding sense of desolation that the fear of lagging behind imbues, and despite the small voice within me that was unsure and hesitant, it was like I finally found my place under the sun, and bigger dreams than ever to fill my nights.

Had a very good birthday this year, R pampers me to the hilt, the birthday was no different. We watched zindagi milegi na dobara, was disappointed other than some beautiful poetry and very affable Farhan Akhtar and Abhay Deol. Though this wasn’t even a thread of Dil Chahta Hai, an old favorite. Nevertheless loved scenic Spain, and can’t wait to be able to go on a road trip, hopefully soon, and to Europe. Also watched Harry Potter, I think it was a bit just for the heck of it, but was hoping it would be good, it turned out pretty ordinary and forgettable. Made me miss the effect the book has on one. And then we had an awesome oreo cake for me. I’m glad I still get birthdays like these, replete with gifts, cards, cake, dinners, wine and yes my new found love, dresses! Can never be too old for this, ever. R is very patient with me, more than most people can imagine, and like I said I can be very self absorbed, add to that my perpetual affliction, single in the head (SIH) syndrome, and you have a handful. Nevertheless don’t think we feel the strains of all that hard to handle baggage I bring to the table between us, in fact if I may, I feel no different from when I was single. Don’t think I express this often enough, how much I value R for all of this and more, and most of all, for our friendship. Life is arduous I know, far from what I imagined it would be, at twenty nine that is, but then there is no such thing as perfection, is there?